It’s not often that I find myself running at a deficit of words. If anything I think I owe the world some silence. I am always talking, and when I am not speaking aloud I am usually holding a conversation in my head. Re-scripting the ones I shouldn’t have had, making them end better or holding the ones I wish I had had, storing up things to say for the future. And if I am not doing either of those things I am probably writing. Knowing that I suffer from chronic logorrhea I think I would have to remain mute for several years in order to pay back the excess of my words to the bank of quiet.
But actually, I owe a debt of words to this blog. Five months worth of words, and for once in an existence typified by verbal diarrhoea and frequent frenzies of typing, I don’t know where to start or what to say. Only because these last few Team Effort! months have held so much challenge, promise, frustration, hard-thinking and joy.
I find myself wondering why I haven’t put in the hours with this blog, I feel needled by my lax attitude towards this small act of recording. It should be so easy to sit down once and month and place a frame of considered analysis around the projects Team Effort has thrown into my path.
But I have been reticent to. do so because a) I have been living the joy of always having a “next thing” which isn’t always the case in the flux beset life of an artist. For the last few years I have experienced real voids, vast flat waste grounds of not enough to do, insufficient self-belief to work only because it satisfies me and the horrible fear that no one will ever ask me to do anything again. This Team Effort! year, the next thing has always been close and pressing and urgent.
Because b) I’m so aware that my relationship to self and work and the things I make and the words I write is ever at the whims of change, always mutable under the hands of new thinking.And that scares me. It has so often been that case that I declare my understanding of my own work and my own thoughts as if that is a stable, finished thing, only to find that I was wrong. That there were things I didn’t see the first time round – things I perceived as strengths which turned out to be problems, problems which turned out to be the best, most beautiful thing about what I had been making, how my head was working. So often I have thought I was wielding the flaming sword of righteousness, only to find I was waving a squeaky inflatable hammer after all.
So that’s why I have been negligent. Because I have been wonderfully busy doing all the terrifying, fun, exhilarating, interesting things Team Effort! has brought me. Because I am scared of saying the wrong thing about what I do and having it exist in the public domain. And because I’m an indolent shit who spends far to much time saying aloud the first thing which comes into my head (usually coarse and filthy) and not enough time writing this blog. Mea culpa.
Oh and the photo is just of something which made me laugh very hard indeed because I am ten year old boy trapped in the body of an old lady.